Yesterday was a little shorter than normal and today's post is going to be long so please bear with me.
Christian. That's what I called myself. That's what I grew up as was raised by a Christian mother. My grandmother and even great grandmother were very devout Christians. I could even go as far as to say that Christianity in my family goes much deeper than that. I don't know for sure simply because I don't know much about my family before My great grandmother's generation. My mother wasn't just your average church on Sundays Christian either. As a matter of fact my church schedule was something like this growing up. I went Tuesday nights for bible study. Wednesday (or Thursday can't remember that clearly) nights for choir rehearsal. Sunday Mornings for your classic Sunday School/Morning Worship combo.
As I grew up I decided to join the church. I forget what age this happened but I do remember it was in my pre-teenage years. My decision to join the church and become a full fledged choir singing member, was not out of the love of Christ in the beginning. Of course I went through the motions of saying that I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and so on, but that was because I was scared. Really I was scared shitless. The talk of fire and brimstone and gnashing of teeth had me like hey if this Jesus guy wants to save me then so be it. Later when I was around 16 there was a sermon in which the preacher said "You should love God because He loves you. Not because of what He has done for you or fear of what might happen to you if you don't love Him" That statement roller coaster of emotions as I grew and developed into a man, being a really devout Christian at times and pretty much a hethan at others.
Fast forward to today. As I look back on that time I question whether or not I was truly mature enough to make those decisions at that young of an age. I question whether the the constant bombardment with scriptures neatly packaged into sermons that presented Christianity to me in such a good and forgiving light really just sort of got me to say "Okay I agree with this." blindly without question or thought or emotion. I thought that in reading the Bible through from cover to cover, I would develop a deep and personal relationship with God. That my beliefs would be strengthened and enhanced. Now I don't know.
I read 103 Psalms today. 103 Chapters from various writers with a tone that swings back and forth from that which sounds like that of a badly abused child, to a loved respected and powerful man. The compelling part that really got under my skin was the 94th Psalm. Which really boils down to a long rant from the Psalmist to God asking for the destruction of his enemies. The entire premise seemed downright evil and pretty sick. That chapter being included in a book that is the doctrine for your religious beliefs... It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. What's even more troubling is the more I think about it, and this could be clouded, but it seemed as though there were many more "destroy my enemies" and "why have you forsaken me" than "Bless the Lords"
The craziest thing about this situation, is I don't want to let this go. I want this to be real for me. I want to blindly believe in God, because my faith in God has gotten me through some really tough times. I don't know how to even begin to be Atheist or Agnostic. The idea of there being no Heaven and Hell, no God to punish those who do evil and prosper in life to me is a much more morbid, disturbing reality than recognizing the flaws in my religious doctrine.
Song of the Day: "Shot For Me" by Drake
Today I Consumed:
I wrote the following just after I got to Psalms 23:
I only felt it fitting that today's Bible quote is from the iconoclastic 23rd Psalm, since I happened to make it that far today in my reading. I find it interesting that in the psalm immediately preceding it, an attitude of utter defeat is displayed and a feeling of abandonment is shown. I decided to display The Message version just to be fifteenth because I have the KJV of this scripture memorized.
Psalm 23:1-6 MSG
God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.
Christian. That's what I called myself. That's what I grew up as was raised by a Christian mother. My grandmother and even great grandmother were very devout Christians. I could even go as far as to say that Christianity in my family goes much deeper than that. I don't know for sure simply because I don't know much about my family before My great grandmother's generation. My mother wasn't just your average church on Sundays Christian either. As a matter of fact my church schedule was something like this growing up. I went Tuesday nights for bible study. Wednesday (or Thursday can't remember that clearly) nights for choir rehearsal. Sunday Mornings for your classic Sunday School/Morning Worship combo.
As I grew up I decided to join the church. I forget what age this happened but I do remember it was in my pre-teenage years. My decision to join the church and become a full fledged choir singing member, was not out of the love of Christ in the beginning. Of course I went through the motions of saying that I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and so on, but that was because I was scared. Really I was scared shitless. The talk of fire and brimstone and gnashing of teeth had me like hey if this Jesus guy wants to save me then so be it. Later when I was around 16 there was a sermon in which the preacher said "You should love God because He loves you. Not because of what He has done for you or fear of what might happen to you if you don't love Him" That statement roller coaster of emotions as I grew and developed into a man, being a really devout Christian at times and pretty much a hethan at others.
Fast forward to today. As I look back on that time I question whether or not I was truly mature enough to make those decisions at that young of an age. I question whether the the constant bombardment with scriptures neatly packaged into sermons that presented Christianity to me in such a good and forgiving light really just sort of got me to say "Okay I agree with this." blindly without question or thought or emotion. I thought that in reading the Bible through from cover to cover, I would develop a deep and personal relationship with God. That my beliefs would be strengthened and enhanced. Now I don't know.
I read 103 Psalms today. 103 Chapters from various writers with a tone that swings back and forth from that which sounds like that of a badly abused child, to a loved respected and powerful man. The compelling part that really got under my skin was the 94th Psalm. Which really boils down to a long rant from the Psalmist to God asking for the destruction of his enemies. The entire premise seemed downright evil and pretty sick. That chapter being included in a book that is the doctrine for your religious beliefs... It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. What's even more troubling is the more I think about it, and this could be clouded, but it seemed as though there were many more "destroy my enemies" and "why have you forsaken me" than "Bless the Lords"
The craziest thing about this situation, is I don't want to let this go. I want this to be real for me. I want to blindly believe in God, because my faith in God has gotten me through some really tough times. I don't know how to even begin to be Atheist or Agnostic. The idea of there being no Heaven and Hell, no God to punish those who do evil and prosper in life to me is a much more morbid, disturbing reality than recognizing the flaws in my religious doctrine.
Song of the Day: "Shot For Me" by Drake
Today I Consumed:
- One Banana Creme Muscle Milk
- Juice of:
- 1 Jicama
- 1 Beet
- 1 Apple
- 3 Inch Piece of Ginger
I wrote the following just after I got to Psalms 23:
I only felt it fitting that today's Bible quote is from the iconoclastic 23rd Psalm, since I happened to make it that far today in my reading. I find it interesting that in the psalm immediately preceding it, an attitude of utter defeat is displayed and a feeling of abandonment is shown. I decided to display The Message version just to be fifteenth because I have the KJV of this scripture memorized.
Psalm 23:1-6 MSG
God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.
I find it interesting that you have a problem with Psalmists (probably King David) asking God to punish his enemies (evil men) and yet you end your statement with "The idea of there being no Heaven and Hell, no God to punish those who do evil and prosper in life to me is a much more morbid,"
ReplyDeleteso it's ok for you to want God to punish bad people, but not for David, a "man after God's own heart"?
just something to think about =] One of the most difficult thing to comprehend is how God can be Just and Merciful. Righteous and Forgiving. Every living human being deserves much worse than what King David wished upon his enemies, and God has every right to punish us in that way, yet in his mercy, we are allowed to live, and seek Him (much like you're doing now).
Psalms are fun to read because mostly what you hear in church is the nice happy verses, and after awhile you get this feeling like the bible is just fake. But then you read Psalms and you see that these people have real human feelings. Psalms are like a collection of blog posts. You're looking into David and other psalmists brains and hearts and getting REAL emotions and thoughts. Helps to remind me that the bible IS real and not just a bunch of happy fake lala stuff.
I am sorta looking at everything from a skeptics perspective. Say for instance you were one of those people inhabiting one of those lands that the Israelites went in to possess. You're sitting around chilling then all of a sudden these dudes come out of nowhere and start killing people saying that what belongs to you because you were there first now is our land. It is now Israel because our God said so.
ReplyDeleteI have a problem subscribing to the overall idea that is presented in the Old Testament, that God wanted to start a war between two nations just on the basis that the people were evil and didn't deserve the land. Why? Because these people worshiped other goods and made sacrifices and sinned (all thing that the Israelites did countless times). The whole story makes no sense in that God at times, excluding that whole Pharaoh slavery thing, showed blatant favoritism to a group of people for seemingly no other reason than they were born of a certain blood line.
I'm not coming to any conclusions about what I read until I get through the whole thing (both Old and New Testaments), It's just that the people Old Testament represent so far what I see is wrong with today. A bunch of people that think that war is better than conversation and death is better than compromise.